I’d never heard of the Mall Ninja until my friend Mike E. sent me a link to it. It’s a hilarious extraction of posts on a couple of firearms discussion boards allegedly between two mall security guards with incredibly warped assessments of risk.

For example, the Mall Ninja worries a lot about the dangers of things like getting from his parked car to the safety of his beloved mall:

What scares me is that, although I can fit an extra trauma plate in the front, I cannot fit a second one in back. As of late I have taken to duct-taping a second trauma plate to the area of my back where the heart and vital organs are located. Then I put my vest on.

When it’s the mall security guard, we laugh. But think about how many IT Security practitioners don’t sound entirely unlike this when asked to provide commentary on theoretical system or network vulnerabilities before IT or (even worse) business managers.

Don’t be an IT Security Mall Ninja. If not for you, for me and everyone else who needs to be taken seriously when dealing with IT risk.

Final warning: Do not read the Mall Ninja while drinking hot or snortable liquids. Do not read the mall Ninja in environments where involuntary snickering would be inappropriate or harmful to your marital or employment status. Do not begin reading the Mall Ninja if you have somewhere to be in the next few minutes.

“if plan A is to take multiple shots in the back… you need plan B…. ”

Priceless. I like the connection. “If plan A is to let your users run whatever code they like on their desktops, and then to prevent that code from causing harm…”

I think I used to room with the Mall Ninja. I think when he was sighting in his H&K 308 on the neighbor’s livestock (”What’s the season on North Austin Lawn Goat?” was the phrase he used), I decided that it was use, not knowledge of gear that was important.